My hero

To the man I have loved my whole life and will continue to love for all of eternity. Yeah not my husband (I’m not married), not a son (not yet anyway) but my father. My relationship with my father is simply the one thing I have been so sure of. Always. And that is not to say that it is perfect or not complicated because it is all those things and more.

I guess as people we have a wide array of relationships with our parents or guardians. And unfortunately, some people never get the chance at all. They never get to know the beauty, the strain, the turmoil of feelings that come with parent-children relationships. I’m not a parent so I can’t explain how that feels. So this is more or less, my one-sided experience with a parent which is most often a receiving end. And specifically my father. He is not a perfect person but I have never had anyone love me so selflessly and so openly. He is the kind of person who tells me he loves me, that I am the smartest girl, and basically that I can be and do anything I want.

My most recent favorite memories are the long days I spent at work and all it would take would be a phone call for him to wait hours and hours waiting to take me home. Sometimes I think about the little things my dad has done for me and to me they are the biggest things. Again, one-sided, I do not know how parents feel about their children and what they expect. I’m not a very loving person, scratch that – I am, very much but I don’t often know how to show it. And maybe I’m just a bad child but as a kid, you’re selfish and just really worry or care about yourself and what you want. What I’m getting at is there are so many opportunities that I could have been a better daughter. But guess what, despite all that, I am one hundred percent sure my dad still loves me despite it all. And he believes in me in ways I can’t even imagine.

I’m a heavy sleeper but for my young adult years, the only person I have given up my sleep for gladly has been my father. I hope that if he could remember one thing about me, it is that I loved making him breakfast. Again with the simple and ordinary things – and yes sometimes it felt like an obligation but more often, it was blissful to me. It was a time he would share his day’s plans and sometimes in passing, the things bothering him. I don’t really know when it happened but he shared with me quite a lot about his struggles and at first, I was freaked out because you know we look at parents and we think they are these perfect humans that have life figured out and can get out of any problem. It can be a bit shocking and honestly worrying to know that these superhumans do not have everything actually figured out.

So, it has been a couple of months since I moved and haven’t seen my father. We speak, not so often but that is the thing, even when he says nothing at all, doesn’t call me on a daily, I know he is thinking of me and wishing life treats me kindly. But I miss him terribly, the long talks, his hearty laughter, his sense of humor. Oh wait, if you’ve met me, I have a weird sense of humor where I make bad situations kind of comic. Anyway, that is not exactly his kind of humor, only that he will be mad at something and then joke about it. It is somehow a coping mechanism or we just don’t take life seriously. Because life isn’t supposed to be too serious and that is why he is one of my favorite company. He is so liberal with life, he is so happy in sometimes a very depressing world and to say it again, he does spoil me. He loves music a lot, like a lot. And, I always attempt to avoid him at family gatherings because he will just randomly say that I’m his favorite child and that is a bit wild. I have to watch my five siblings and my mom react to that and sometimes it makes me feel odd but most of all it makes me think that I am the luckiest person.

Disclaimer, I am not bragging and I don’t mean to say that this is the best relationship. It is not a comparison, nor a competition, it is simply perfect for me. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements, and disparities but in my few years, I know that even perfect is imperfect.

All in all, I just want to say thank you to my father for being a constant. For being everything I ever needed and for showing me what a parent can be, what belief can achieve, and for setting the standard super high for the men I let into my life. There is so much more he has taught me, I can write a book and maybe I will. And I hope I get more chances to make him proud, and honestly try to make him as happy as he has made me. Trying to pay back is not an option because it is impossible to do that. He is my hero. To all wonderful fathers out there, we love you, appreciate you and, admire you.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost, has had a hard relationship or never got to know their father. And also to fathers that have had lost, have had a hard relationship or none at all with their children. I hope life provides you more avenues for this kind of love.

With lots of love,

Her father’s daughter ❤

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A letter

Hi. I hope and really hope this finds you well.

But I know that is a lie. It is not well with you otherwise I wouldn’t be here like this. But I am. I am because I need you back. Don’t say “I’m right here.” Don’t. The you that I see right now is not the you that I want for anyone. The you that thinks of her own mortality more than she thinks of waking. That is not who I call for.

I want you back. The girl that I love so deeply. I love this other one too and all the others in between because my love for you is unconditional but how much of it – that is conditional. I love so deeply the girl who smiles at leaves and cats or random people just because she thinks they are beautiful.

I need you back. The girl that looks forward to the excitement of achieving things. I am not saying that I dislike the you that feels like the world and its rumblings are crushing her very brain. I understand and sympathize with her but I do not need her. I need you. My full of life and dreamy brimming with immense potential. I really do.

I am asking you to let the girl that hates, that despises, that envies to go. I need my kind hearted woman. My so easily forgiving naive girl because what is vengeance but iron in these fleshy valves of our hearts. I know so many things weigh you down. I know you wish you could control them. But you can’t and that is okay. Hey! That is okay. You are only human and you have your limits, What you do (and even then not always) is in your control. What others do, what the world perceive or wish for is not. Yes you could influence it – we could try but don’t try until you break. I can feel the metals that turn in your heart when you wish for what you can’t have. I feel it too. That is how much I am connected to you. Please let it go.

Why forget so quickly my dear. Time and faith. What in this world have you wished for and did not get in due time. Please remember that joy. That exhilaration. The beautiful moments where you were so satisfied with life. You most certainly will have that again. More often, less fleeting. This I promise. Of course not everyday is going to be like that. I understand. I just hope that on those days you don’t dive so deep into the abyss that no light shines at the mid or end of the tunnel. I know you know that there is always light, in every situation, in every turmoil. I know it gets so hard sometimes. I know you sometimes cry when no one is looking. I know you bite your hand to move the pain in your head to your hand, I know so much and I don’t judge you my sweet girl. You have been out of this before and you will be out of this again. When it all crumbles or you feel like it is – I will be here, to pick you up. Just this time too come up to me. Live for me, forgive for me, enjoy life for me, work hard and those things that mean so much to you. Even if sometimes you wonder if it means anything at all in this awfully mortal world – I will tell you that yes, it does. It all means something, for you and the others that you have decided to live by.

So hear me out when I say I need you back. And you know it is not just me. We need you back for you may not see it sometimes but you light up this world. That beautiful smile and kind heart. All the flaws are part of you too but they do no define you and do not define what you should be or what you put out there. Let the anger flow away and let the forgiveness trickle in. You have done it before, what is there to stop you now. Just come back to me. My love.

With kindest of hearts,

Self ❤

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Elightenment

There is power in knowledge. In information. In enlightenment.

Let me share a brief narrative. I met a person a couple of years ago. We became friends, good friends I may say. But I could never understand them. Because you see, we humans are complex beings. We have so many facets, so many attributes, so many versions that we grow into, out of, back into and around in. In their life, this friend of mine never seemed to have enough of anything. Given the world and all the things within and yet always seeming to be on the run. For starters I always wondered what went on in their mind. What it was they were looking for. Yes, they had perhaps loved and lost and that changes a person. That changes a person. The story of their childhood wasn’t a smooth one. For all I could deduce they’re broken, broken in love and its tribulations. They are kind but just as insensitive. That is what the cold parts of the world do. They freeze you up and then break you into so many sharp pieces. Until there is only a fitted-pieces shape of you. I never met a person so good with their lines and lies alike as this friend of mine. For years they have told the same lines, the same lies over and over again, they seem to be true to them and more convincing each time.

They broke so many hearts with the smoothness of their play. It hurts to know but even more sad and pitiful. They probably don’t know they are pathological liars. They probably don’t know how many lives they have stained because they truly have gone through many. And I applaud the ones that got away, and still shine. For it is such a cruel way to live in the entangling web of deceit. The world of missing pieces, hours, days, calls and all little things in there. The signs are always there but it is always easy to opt for blindness.

Well, my dear reader, this post is now about you. Do not lose yourself. When the worlds hits you, when it crushes your heart, when it freezes you up and breaks you apart, when the stains are so deep. Heal. Forgive. Look for remedies and medicines. When the world sets you afire, cool down and don’t burn everything you touch. Don’t spread the infection. Hold it and bury it so deep. And I know these demons have a way to get back up, when they do and they do, isolate. There is no point spreading the vermin. Don’t let the bad define you. And I am not judging for I am not perfect at all and I have an idea about this thing we call human will. I just want you to be aware that you can choose to be good. You can choose to be kind. To be honest. To not pass on the ice. Don’t let the cruelty win. Fight it, fight it even if it means you end up alone. Fight it for them, for the things you hold dear. If not for the greater good, for simply the fact that your actions, your choices can be a decision for someone to choose life or end it. Be a silent or loud (I don’t care) hero or heroine.

The universe knows and it rewards. Be aware that nothing is lost out in space. Everything under the sun shall be known. And we shall remember

Disclaimer: Lol we’ll probably never know everything or full stories except the ones narrated in fairy tales 🙂

Love,

Sarah

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Changes…

Changes.

To know and live in one way

And then have it all turned around or morphed up

Holding on to familiarity but feeling it slip right through our shaky hands as reality kicks in

Eyes glaring with iridescence that tears that don’t fall bring

To feel like you’re giving up, or pulling too hard, or pushing too far, or gripping too tight

Because that is what change often feels like

It takes a lot and demands even more

It wrecks your gut and breaks your bones

Just like broken routines

And yet you have to hold it in, you have to get up everyday

Often with no one to hold or bind you

And no safe haven to run to

And yet not facing it is agony because the truth always prevails

All the little bubbles we make eventually burst and reality hits

By the heavens, it’s probably what I’m most afraid of

And yet I know,

Embracing change is by far the bravest of things and the hardest of things too

Hats off to the bravest amongst us

Because to feel like you are letting go of a part of you

And patching back the pieces that make us a wholesome being

Isn’t something we can all do.

One of the lessons of life: Life is constantly changing for each one of us – sometimes for the better but more than often to challenging. Respect people because you may not take a step if you wore their shoes. And as always, be kind!

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Days like this!

I wish days like today were easy to explain

Days where everything is so crystal sharp that it hurts

Days where memory serves its best

Delicately selecting the strongest weaknesses

For reminiscence

Days where crying feels so much easier than breathing

Days where I feel I could use gallons of adoration

And absolutely feeling at a loss at where I could find refuge

Days where the sound of my favourite bands makes want to wallow face down in a pillow

And yet the solemn feeling is consolation

A better opt than the turmoil of emotions, memories, what if and what nots.

Days like this suck because I know what I feel

I wonder if someone out there can relate or understand

Days like this hurt

Because I want everything and I want nothing.

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My October

Because what is the month of October without me looking at myself from a stellar point of view. I recently made a full turn around the sun or in simple words had my birthday come around. In the midst of it all; the love, the wishes, my favourite person singing to me, eating a lot of cake, doing laundry – all of it, I am only now thinking about what the past year has been like to me.

For starters, I have made so many strides, the me from a year ago would stand in awe at how much I have moulted. Shedding layers of fear, some layers growing back and me having and to peel them off again. Sometimes, actually many times, it has been painful and honestly so damn scary to let go of things I’ve often felt defined me. This past year has had me spread my little wings, subconciously for some moments. I graduated, I learned how to drive, I fell in love, fell out of it, hated the world, loved it, envied, cursed, prayed, witnessed love, disbelieved, hit a car, started a new job, gave up on a duty, fell in love again, lost loved ones, lost my pets, got new ones, cried and laughed, oh my. And not in that order🤣. I have felt and not felt. I’ve lost myself, found me again, read books and loved me again. There is no causation there by the way! Honestly, I can say I have enjoyed living (for the most part). Unsure of what I feel, what is right, what is best but just doing life and it rewarding me in ways (and I blame my little faith in goodness) in the most unexpected amazing ways. With the little and immense joys, my eyes well up, the place where my heart supposedly is tingles and my lips curve with a smile.

Again what is this month without me reflecting on Uganda. She had her 59th Independence celebration only recently. Just like me, she has gone through a turmoil of experiences since the past celebration. But the one thing I admire from her is that she never lost hope. Even when she lost her people to the pandemic, political violence and senseless murders. When robberies, bottom-up but mostly top-down, slanders and criticism overwhelmed her she stands her ground. Somewhere she was building herself and still is, welcoming new life, opening her self to labourers, spreading her bounty of opportunities to people like me. Oh my dear land, how I love you. Even when you hurt me, I am sure I will always come back to you, give myself to you.

What is this month if I don’t tell you that the rains, even if harsh or scanty sometimes, bring new hope each time. They wash and build. Things may not always go our way, and sometimes may even seem to fight us but the one thing to get us thriugh is HOPE. And to me, that’s what this month is to me. A beacon of hope. I hear from long lost friends washing me with love even when they don’t have to. I feel special, I own something to myself – a day to celebrate and to think on how my coming can be a hope to you, to my land to the world. I want to be a woman who made a good difference. Even if it is just for one person, one million or even one billion people. And just to put it out there, the one thing that tugs to my heart is kindness offered when there is no apparent reward. It is moving to be kind even in a sometimes unkind world ♥️

Blessings this October, until next time!

Sarah 💕

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Spasms

How does it feel to be free

Completely devoid of the strings of the puppeteer

The invisible weights of the earth

The ever-present gravity of life

The blanketing air of norms and society

The suffocating warmth of the things we love

The wounding scourge of the ones we don’t

And the subtly gutting bore of that we have no opinion about

How does it feel to be free

When every turn, word, expression, breath or moment

Sets off a billion spasms of reaction

Some seen, felt or heard and many not

Even more sparks cascading

And then it all seems like a dream

And yet it is what we live by

And shall never be free of

Until the last.

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Letting loose!

I guess it’s a habit of mine to come here after traumatic events and I’m using that word lightly not to scorn those going through actual trauma but well, things hurts and it’s not fun. Ever hate it that you can feel so much even out something so small. Anyway, today isn’t really about me. It does concern and absolutely touch me but I feel so does it to you.

We all have some things we are bitter about. At least for all the people I have met and have shared with me. I’ll go first, I am so bitter and angry about a lot of things. Personal like I don’t like the environment of fear I grew up in and lately I have been blaming it a lot. I don’t like how people condemn and judge others basing on their spiritual beliefs and understanding of how the world and “beyond” works. I am bitter that people are dying in my country at the cost of a certain group accumulating wealth that could last them generations. I am slightly bitter that some songs make me cry because I have attached personal memories to them. I am so bitter about a lot of things, some I can control and others not. And I am bitter that even now, I still wont share what I am most bitter about because it has to stay my big secret or shame, I can’t tell anymore.

We are all struggling with something we don’t like or don’t agree with. So, yeah feel free to share, yell and think about things you’re bitter about. It could be a death, a separation, a loss, a person (very common), a trend, a way of things. In this world of today, where we are so interconnected, information flows and it can be overwhelming and perceived in a million different ways but it can also be so healing. I listen to a couple of podcasts that share positivity and hope and I could not be more happy for that connection. I have supportive friends (thank you for reaching out) even a bunch of miles away, I can feel their warmth and really a loving family I guess.

I guess what I just want to say is some things we fight for if and when we can make a difference. The others where we feel powerless, that’s okay, we need a break sometimes. If we ever find that strength, we can rise up to the moment and if not, I hope regret doesn’t lurk down the hallway. We can differ in opinion respectfully, we can be entitled to our emotions and fears (never forget that we millenials are very entitled and I am yet to figure out if that’s a good or bad thing) and we can be bitter about things. But let not the bitterness last forever. That sh*t aint good for your heart, or your mind or even your personality. We need to heal from all these bad things. Each day (just lately), I remind myself that at end of something, I need to come out a better person and that means to fight for what I can or let go of what I can’t.

So yes, as a people we need to HEAL. Heal people from the whatever makes you a less happy person, a less kind person and a person that broods negativity. Take your time but work at it. Manifest it. I have never believed in giving up. Each time I almost gave up on me or something I have trust in, I lost myself and had to rebuild my faith and hope all the way back up to find myself. To identify myself. Sometimes it took seconds and other times, months. We are all different people and deal with this thing called life differently and I appreciate that. I appreciate you and love that you try in so many ways, some you may not even recognize.

Feel at home to drop your thoughts in the comments. You can personally reach out. One thing I have learnt is that talking and getting things out there helps. It detoxifies each time. That’s it from me, see you at the next one (hopefully not a “traumatic” event)

With lots of love,

Sarah.

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